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Iapos;m not really sure what to think. A�couple of hours ago I�thought all I needed was a way out, now I figured out a way to get him to leave me but I still cannot figure out what to do. His birthday is in a few days (Halloween) and I donapos;t know when to do this, if Iapos;m going to do this. Iapos;ve been talking to an ex and he helped me realize how stiffled I feel.

I donapos;t feel like I control my actions. Iapos;m afraid to make mistakes, Iapos;m afraid to let loose and have fun. I donapos;t have fun like most college kids do. I canapos;t drink, I donapos;t have friends, my only friend lives away and has fun. What do I do?


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



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fYesterday was terrible. I ate

an apple
5 Pieces of pizza
A grapefruit
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
beans with rice fried in oil

altogether it was about 2500 calories. It all started with mom taking me out for pizza. I�had only eaten an apple before that. Once I started my hunger took over and I lost control. The whole time though I�never felt the comfort in the food. This was a first for me. I just kept eating and eating, but I couldnapos;t find what I�was looking for. I realized that food is just something we associate with comfort. Now I�know itapos;s the opposite, and I vow to never let it control me again.

� That brings me to today. Day one of the ABC diet. I�decided I�was going to do it after my binge last night. My last binge. I�am now going to do it for the full 50 days. It will be hard, but I�will be so strong. Now, for what I�ate today. (Day one allows for 500 calories)

3 Tblsp ground nutmeg-100
1/2 cup soymilk-50
1 grapefruit-100
3/4 cup oatmeal-250
Total-500 (sucess today)

�I�took the nutmeg at 11 and itapos;s just starting to really hit me. Iapos;m slightly stoned right now, but�I�think I will be more soon. Nutmeg isnapos;t anywhereapos;s near as strong as cough syrup, but itapos;s better in a way. Iapos;m not nauseous, but Iapos;m more with it. I feel like everything is soft around the edges now. It makes it easier to cope. It sucks that I�had to waste 150 calories to get stoned, but I�needed the milk to wash down the nutmeg. Iapos;d rather have pot brownies, but I canapos;t so I will stick to nutmeg for now.
�

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bound to pack

So please give me a bit more time/
Give me a few more greetings/
Donapos;t take everything away/
Please give me a bit more of your space/
Give me a bit more of your warmth/
Donapos;t let me suffer this way...

I shouldnapos;t be feeling this way. I never really had to worry about anyone before. Maybe all this is pointless... Or maybe I do need help.

Philip (Chan Su-chern) once warned against the use of emotional crutches. I agreed in principle, but itapos;s so much harder to tell yourself that when the crunch comes, any more than telling yourself study is beneficial to you.

Not that thereapos;s an actual crunch. I donapos;t know why itapos;s like this.

I donapos;t want to go/
I just want to stay/
Staying back/
With you through the seasons/
You must believe me/
No need to wait much more/
I want to see this life pass together with you/

If you can recognise the Chinese songs I bastardised with my poor grasp of translation, good for you.
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i ordered my costume about six days agoiapos;ve been so anxious to get it. For some reason, my packages usually come on thursdays, so all day today i was PRAYING that my costume would be delivered. Sure enough, around five oapos;clock it came:) iapos;m sooo excited for halloweeni absolutely adore my costume. Iapos;m being an 80apos;s go-go dancer. Itapos;s so cute. Kk, just thought iapos;d put that out there;P hah byeee <3

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Im sorry that your scared. Im sorry that you wont let me be scared with you. Im sorry for being mean. Im sorry i dont understand. Im sorry your not ready. Im sorry you cant find a place in your heart for me like ive one for you. Im sorry you didnt see this coming. Im sorry you hurt me again. Im sorry i keep asking you. Im sorry i let this happen, twice. Im sorry i cant look you in the eyes. Im sorry i want nothing more than to hold you. Im sorry i miss your kisses more than anything in the world. Im sory id give up everything to have you back.



im sorry.
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cross tab reports in crystal

So...today I had to take my PSAT and it was horrible. The test wasnapos;t too bad it was just the fact that I was trapped in a chiar in a room with 400 wild and untamed freshmen trying to take this test. We started at 8:45 AM and it all ended at 1:00 PM. MADNESS I tell you

I only had to go to two classes (Biology and German). I really wanted to go to choir today Grrr....well, I always want to go to choir, but today it would have been nice. I canapos;t wait until next year when Iapos;ll be able to have a freshman free day. Although by then Iapos;ll probably be in all junior classes so it wouldnapos;t even matter.

Iapos;m so hungry right now and I donapos;t even know why. My toe is sore, I have a mosquito bite on my arm and now I have to go get ready for freakinapos; dance class. I really donapos;t want to go today. I just want to stay here on the computer.

Gosh...today sucked. I didnapos;t even get to see my crush today. Well, not from the front anyway. I walked behind him within raping range of him, but I didnapos;t take advantage of it. Darn...

Ttyl

~BeNJi
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dos mame front end

Wow....just realized what an entry.:p oh well, not my fault.just wanted to cry out what i was feeling during that moment....and until now, i still couldnapos;t forget...right now, iapos;m still so disappointed...:( how could life be any harder....*sigh* so there, this friday would be the judgment day....we will finally know who would be our adviser and to what topic would it be....just gonna let it be...but even though it still depends....weapos;ll still be here, waiting....waiting for miracles to happen....hopefully....hopefully....

~crosses fingers~

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